WHAT AM I DOING
I’ll tell you what I’m doing :D
I’m working on an incredibly important personal project. I’ve been conceptualizing this music for a few months now, striving towards something extraordinarily pure. I have it in me to create something absolutely incredible, it feels. To let you in on some details, the first iteration of this album I wanted to make was a Suite with four movements. And while I was able to write all the music for it and perform it in its entirety, the final product was not pure enough. It deviated from the original goal which I need to stick to. The demo Suite seemed to be too many things at once. As if each movement wanted to be two movements. I desire something more PURE. This demo was confusing! So after letting this info sink in over the course of a few days, I realized my random idea of a Suite was incompatible with Thee Concept. I want one thing to be one thing, not a suite that is ten things. Minimal. Simple. Raw. I desire something SUPER EXTREME.
The updated plan is to create this music as a simple album with disconnected songs. I can now focus on one song at a time without concern for how the whole album will sound together.
This music is difficult, and I want that. It is challenging to play and takes a moment for the listener to accommodate themselves to the energy of it. I know this because I have recorded two songs now. The first one was the first piece of music I wrote for any of this. The way it came about was a very content guitar session. I just wanted to play guitar and the music came out. I did not need it to reveal itself, and so it consequently did! Wonderful how being relaxed will yield the best results. The first song is exactly what I wanted it to be. It was so thrilling that I immediately wrote and recorded another song. I have mapped out on the computer all the intense time signatures and tempos for these songs.
Today, I will work on the next song which has a different style to it. It’s supposed to represent something a little different than the first two, yet still remaining pure. There are many questions I have for this song as I create the final version today. The main rule I need to follow with this song is to stay within its own boundaries. This song has to be one thing—pure. I need to limit its range of energy in order to embrace what is already there. It is already a gem, and I seek to unearth the whole gem, not to add a second dirty gem to the picture!
I will meditate now, maybe read more of the book The Road, have half a Celsius drink, and get to it. But I never stick to plans, so who knows. The plan doesn’t actually matter, the music is always in reach. I don’t need a witch’s spell to just open up Logic Pro on my laptop. I’m also impulsively interested in buying a horror game for Nintendo Switch like Outlast or Amnesia, so maybe the witch can help me buy those, too! yay!
Last bit—my relationship with pain is changing. Performing can be intense and I do NOT want to be distracted, especially by some temporary pain in my shoulder or something. I realized these pains cause me to think there is something wrong! I am doing something wrong! I must help myself and wiggle out of the pain! So then I become horribly distracted and spiral away from the music. The conclusion is that I can exist with the pain. I can allow it to be there. I do not have the mental bandwidth to mend my pain and perform this music simultaneously. I relax and allow it to be. And I return to the sound of the music.
